We’ve been sold a big fat lie about sex and Christian marriage.
Want to know what it is? We’ve been told that sex is dirty. That great sex is reserved for “freaks in the sheets” and that “good Christian” men and women must have bland, boring, vanilla sex. We’ve been told that holy sex only fits into a tiny box with (excuse me for this) the words “missionary position” penned on the side. And that “good girls” somehow shouldn’t have a wild side with their own husbands. We’ve been told that hot sex is NOT holy and that holy sex just can’t be hot.
But it’s just not true.
Are you feeling like you’ve somehow fallen into the twilight zone?
“Audriana, have you lost your mind? Isn’t this blog about faith and being a better wife and mom? Why are you suddenly talking about sex?”
- God made me (and yes, you) sexual beings.
- A huge part of healthy marriage is sex.
- My marriage affects my mood and therefore, has an effect on how well I’m able to parent my kids.
But most importantly, I’m talking about sex because the world does, and they get it wrong.
What the world says
The world acts as if they have the corner market on what is sexy and that the sex life of Christian couples in monogamous marriages must be vanilla and lack-luster. I won’t lie; in some cases, couples have lost the spark and fun of sex in marriage. But let’s not forget: God INVENTED sex. More on that in a minute.
The world tells us that sex is just an expression. It’s just an act. It can just be casual. And that those who think otherwise are naive.
It’s all about sexual freedom.
[click_to_tweet tweet=”I bought the lie about ‘sexual freedom’ until I realized the truth as so much hotter. https://plantingvineyards.com/sex-and-christian-marriage/” quote=”I bought the lie about ‘sexual freedom’ until I realized the truth as so much hotter.”]
If this sounds like you, don’t think I’m judging you. I’m not. Check the section further down about my past to know that I have not been squeaky clean. But on this blog, I do speak truth. And the truth is, sex is so much bigger than all of that.
What the Word says
Like I mentioned above, God is the One who came up with sex. And no, not just for the purpose of making babies. The biblical (and biological) evidence points to this fact: God wants us to enjoy sex. He designed us to enjoy sex. Just think about our anatomy…
So then, pleasure isn’t something just for those who choose not to subscribe to traditional Christian values.
How beautiful are your sandaled feet, princess!
The curves of your thighs are like jewelry,
the handiwork of a master.
Your navel is a rounded bowl;
it never lacks mixed wine.
Your waist is a mound of wheat
surrounded by lilies.
Your breasts are like two fawns,
twins of a gazelle.
Song of Solomon 7:1-3 (HCSB)
How beautiful you are and how pleasant,
my love, with such delights!
Your stature is like a palm tree;
your breasts are clusters of fruit.
I said, “I will climb the palm tree
and take hold of its fruit.”
May your breasts be like clusters of grapes,
and the fragrance of your breath like apricots.
Song of Solomon 7:6-8 (HCSB)
Your mouth is like fine wine—
flowing smoothly for my love,
gliding past my lips and teeth! I belong to my love,
and his desire is for me.
Song of Solomon 7:9-10 (HCSB)
Does that sound like it lacks for passion to you?
Will our sexual encounters be as poetic? Probably not. But you get the gist.
Now Adam knew Eve his wife…
One of my favorite authors on sex and Christian marriage, Sheila Wray Gregoire, talks about this verse on her blog occasionally. She remembers being a teen and giggling about it with her friends in church. Like God was too embarrassed to just say they had sex. But of course, that’s not actually the case.
In biblical terms, “knowing” someone speaks of a deep level of intimacy and oneness.
Have you ever watched the movie, Avatar? The one with the blue alien people? Remember those tail-looking things they had on their heads? Stick with me–I promise there IS a point here. Anyway, those tail things could bond them with other living things. So for example, when they needed to go somewhere quickly, they could hop on an animal, bond their tail thingy, and it would know what was in their minds.
But something happened when two of the people bonded together during sex. They knew each other. They could fully see one another, inside and out, and they were bonded for life.
When we have sex, we’re physically one in that moment. And if we allow ourselves, we can achieve greater and greater levels of intimacy by actually knowing and becoming closer and closer to the person who we’re with. When we then pair that mental and emotional relationship with the physical (and the fact that we’ve been spiritually bonded in marriage), every single aspect of who we are becomes joined. And BOOM. Fireworks.
Sex is actually better when all 3 parts of who we are become involved.
It all started with a Big Bang?
If ever I did think that creation happened with a big bang, this would be why.
Remember my post about all 3 parts of us (spirit, soul, and body) being modeled after the 3 parts of God (Holy Spirit, Father, and Son–respectively)? If not, you can read it here:
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
John 1:1 (NKJV)
And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters. Then God said, “Let there be light”; and there was light.
Genesis 1:2-3 (NKJV)
Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness…”
Genesis 1:26 (NKJV)
See that? All parts of the Godhead were involved during creation and for the decision of creating man. Where it says “God” it’s referring to the Father. The “Word” was the Son–Jesus. And the “Spirit” of course, the Holy Spirit. They were together. And I believe wholeheartedly that God does not create anything out of boredom. He wasn’t tired with the three parts of Himself.
I don’t know about you, but I feel most creative energy in the positive moments. When everything is flowing together. When all parts of me are working in unison and my soul seems to sing.
I think there is so much intimacy and union in God that He couldn’t help but create. That all parts of Him were working in unison. And BANG.
[click_to_tweet tweet=”The intimacy we can experience in marriage is modeled after the intimacy of God Himself. https://plantingvineyards.com/sex-and-christian-marriage/” quote=”The intimacy we can experience in marriage is modeled after the intimacy of God Himself.”]
Modeled after this union of God that brought forth all life, our intimacy with one another also brings life.
Just my thoughts.
My Past and the Struggle it Created
So, I have a past.
DUN, DUN, DUH!
And it’s not exactly pretty.
I was still a virgin when I met my first husband, but I toed the line pretty heavily before that point.
Years later, after our divorce, I subscribed to the world’s view of sex. I called it casual and acted like it was no big deal. I told myself I was having fun. Being a mature adult. There was nothing wrong with the choices I was making. And yet, there was that still small voice…
“This isn’t who you are.”
He was right. He’s always right.
Sex isn’t “just sex.” At least it wasn’t for me. Because no matter how “casual” I tried to make it, even if I didn’t talk to that person or ever see them again (yes, I was that girl. Let’s all take a moment to marvel at what God has done), SPOILER ALERT: it wasn’t just casual. I carried a little piece of each encounter with me. Every. Single. Time.
So by the time I met my husband, all my past sexual partners might as well have been right there in the room with me. Not physically, but you get the picture. I was replaying things in my mind. What I should have done better in those circumstances. How I could do them better this go around. And I was thinking about how I wished I hadn’t touched them. How I wished I had just waited a little longer.
My “experience” didn’t make anything less awkward. It didn’t make me feel more hot. It made me feel cheap. Because here I was, standing in front of this great man who I was going to spend the rest of my life with, asking him to fully open himself to me, but not feeling like I was actually worthy of that at all.
On top of that, I was scared to open myself up. That level of intimacy hadn’t been present in my past sexual encounters, so it wasn’t something I was used to. It’s hard to train our brains to take sex out of just the physical realm when that’s all we’ve ever tried to make it.
Disclosure: Some of the links below are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase.
Here’s the thing: being able to be fully open and fully intimate with that special person makes sex more hot. It’s not just a physical act. There’s SO MUCH MORE going on below the surface that we can’t see, and it creates issues that we can’t always easily untangle. (Sorry if that sounds like something you heard in junior high at an abstinence assembly.)
There is a lot more on this topic! If it’s something you want to explore further, I’ve learned a ton from Sheila Wray Gregoire (the writer I mentioned earlier). Her book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, is amazing and a must read for any woman needing to debunk sexual myths in her own mind. She doesn’t shy away from anything and keeps it real–two things I highly appreciate.
You can get the book with my amazon link here:
Until next time,
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